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Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church
services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks
on the water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for
Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in
action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall Come out and watch
us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage
sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for
today has been canceled due to a
conflict
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Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let
the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not
pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts
for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell
message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began
in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday
evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently
needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the
envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of
fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow
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The ladies of the Church have cast
off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a
hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the
ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will
meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at
the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the
side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the
church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
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Christian One-Liners
>Don't let your worries get the best of
you. Remember, Moses started out as a
basket case.
>Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
>Many folks want to serve God, but only
as advisers.
>It is easier to preach ten sermons than
it is to live one.
>The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
>When you get to your wits end, you'll
find God lives there.
>People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
>Opportunity may knock once, but
temptation bangs on your front door forever.
>Quit griping about your church; if it
was perfect, you couldn't belong.
>If the church wants a better pastor, it
only needs to pray for the one it has.
>God Himself does not propose to judge a
person until he is dead. So why
should you?
>Some minds are like concrete,
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
>Peace starts with a smile.
>I don't know why some people change
churches; what difference does it make
which one you stay home from?
>A lot of church members who are singing
"Standing on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.
>We were called to be witnesses, not
lawyers or judges.
>"Be ye fishers of men." You
catch them - He'll clean them.
>Coincidence is when God chooses to
remain anonymous.
>Don't put a question mark where God put
a period.
>Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you
to church.
>Forbidden fruits create many jams.
>God doesn't call the qualified, He
qualifies the called.
>God grades on the cross, not the curve.
>God loves everyone, but probably
prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
>God promises a safe landing, not a calm
passage.
>He who angers you, controls you!
>If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
>Prayer: Don't give God instructions --
just report for duty!
>The task ahead of us is never as great
as the Power behind us.
>The Will of God will never take you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
>We don't change the message, the
message changes us.
>You can tell how big a person is by
what it takes to discourage him.
>The best mathematical equation I have
ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
> "Father, bless the
person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need." |
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The Dead Duck
A woman brought a very
limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the
table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two,
the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck,
Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner
wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The
duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? She protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his
eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later
with
a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the
dog and took it
out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The
cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from
head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100
percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill.
"$150!" she cried.
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm
sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but
with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150". |
Wisdom from
George Carlin
The
paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter
tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have
less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller
families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less
sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little,
watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have
multiplied our possessions,
but reduced our values. We talk too much, love
too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years
to life
not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered
outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better
things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the
atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more,
but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever,
but
we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of
two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These
are
days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet,
to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing
in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and
a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to
just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who
looks
up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and
leave
your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because
that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't
cost
a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved
ones, but
most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when
it comes
from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the
moment for someday that person
will not be there again. Give time to love,
give time to speak, and give time
to share the precious thoughts in your
mind.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay
him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And
the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person
who
is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve,
get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county,
to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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Van Gogh
After much careful
research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many
relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
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From the comedian Robin
Williams, who is
an
Episcopalian, on an HBO
special:
Top 10 Reasons to Be an Episcopalian:
10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs.
8. Male and female God created them; male and female we
ordain them.
7. You don't have to check your brains at the door.
6.
Pew aerobics.
5.
Church year is color-coded.
4. Free wine on Sunday.
3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.
2. You don't have to know how to swim to get
baptized.
...and the Number One to be an
Episcopalian:
1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other
Episcopalian who agrees with you.
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